Whoever said women were permitted only one act in a
lifetime?
Do twenty extra kilos, remnants of an invasive surgery, dental
supplements and some somnolent muscles mean you are done for in this life? Would
it be fair to say that you are now past your peak and prime, having discharged your
primary obligations of parenting and being a supportive spouse? Could there be
more to look forward to in addition to grand-parenthood and paying back your
dues to the generation before, both very desirable and welcome albeit.
Oh yes, there was a
time when you were squaring with sleepless hours, aching muscles,
palpitating heart, nervous requests, wary expectations, and endless neglect of
the self. The loci were always outside of you. There were priorities. Is the
family healthy? Are the relatives congenial enough? Are you in an OK equation
with the colleagues? Could you have chartered your primary relationship better?
Have you been nice enough, warm enough, positive enough, pleasing enough,
non-demanding enough, adjusting enough, mature enough, sensible enough?
Of course you have. As a woman, you have paid heed to what
the world outside told you for the better part of your life, so much so that
you tuned out all the voices that ever clamoured inside of you. They would have
receded, becoming a whisper before fading out completely. But they are coming
back now, are they? They are coming at you with a vengeance, telling you that
you owed yourself the same authentication that you have been preaching your
mother and your daughters?
There is no mention of these voices in the description of
the four Vedic ashramas of life but I hear them too! And they are telling me
surprising things. They discount that this is the time to take it easy,
throttle back, relax and enjoy the well-earned lull. They claim my best years
lie ahead of me. They say this is my consolidation age. They assure me it is
not too late to get myself into shape. Playing roles is all OK but where is
your definition of the real you, they ask. It would be harakiri to draw my
sense of self from those I love, they would have me believe. This is your
second act and you are darned lucky to be getting to do one, I am being told.
I admit my first act was shaky. There were milestones to be
met. I had people depending on me. I was not friends enough with myself. There
were worries, fears, and concerns. I was doing the risking, the motivating and
the envisioning. Self-nurture was the last thing on my list, the first priority
being to secure a safe nest and get the young into their flight mode.
Was it a sacrifice? Far from it, I would not have had it any
other way. Did it leave me fatigued or bitter? Certainly not for it was self-validation
at a different level, an evolution of a fundamental nature. It is that
experience in fact, of having been responsible for other lives that eventually empowered
me with a sense of calm certainty. It put me in a space made for constructive
closure.
I have never felt better. When I step out onto the streets,
I no longer experience the nauseous lechery of the yore. I am at home enough in my skin not to be rattled
by physical blueprints. I earn enough to
fund my personal whimsies. I can hold my own in any scenario now that I am no
longer afraid of embarrassing myself. I have hurt enough to understand that we
are all, deep down under, similar in our needs. I have at long last begun to understand that I
cannot pin blame for my lows on others. I am glimpsing more and more the range
of possibilities that begin and end with me.
And so, I have decided to pull my projects off the
back-burner. It is never too late to learn Golf! If you always dreamed of
playing the piano, walk into a school of music right now. Do not listen to anyone
who says your bones may not be able to take the Zumba! It is great to want your
life to matter and be of some relevance.
Will I ace the second act? I do not know and I do not care. What
resonate in my ears are words like these: life is given to us in trust, it is
for living. We owe it to ourselves to challenge the self constantly and in so
doing grow. The day is about venturing beyond the walls of security we build
around ourselves. The more you reach out, the more you reach in. And what else
is life about if not reaching out and touching!